Navigating "New" Normals

It is time for bed!  Tomorrow’s my first day of  Chemo.  Normally, I might be nervous. But instead I have such peace and faith that all will be ok. Tonight was the perfect night! Most of our family was able to spontaneously come over for a potluck and prayer time.  I am well covered by my team!

The next two weeks that followed were FULL of daily appointments to complete the testing required to give my doctors a complete picture of my cancer. Each week, Greg and I faced weeks ahead that felt daunting and next to impossible to get through.  But day by day, by God’s grace, we checked each test off the list. By the end of each week, we knew that we got through a huge “To Do” list!  Here’s a glimpse:

Port Pre-Op Appointment √

Blood Draw √

MRI Guided Biopsy √

CT Torso Scan    √

Meet with all doctors after Tumor Board Meeting √

Oncologist 2nd Opinion √

Root Canal Re-Treatment for Infection √

Tooth Extraction √

PET Scan √

Haircut to get ready for Chemo √

Echocardiogram √

Shop for wigs √

Oh, and did I mention that in the midst of all this, Greg and I celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary? Yep! Gives all new meaning to our vows, “For better or worse, in sickness and in health.”

I am more in love with my husband than ever!! He continues to amaze me every single day.  I am so grateful for Greg, our kids, our extended family and all of our friends who send their love, prayers and support nearly every day!!

After the first week of preliminary diagnosis, came a much needed weekend of trying to enjoy my normal life.  Thankfully I had a few days to enjoy being with my friends! Here are a few highlights of my weekend.  These ladies (+Brad)  are the most amazing prayer warriors around and have selflessly given my family and me their endless support and love in our time of need.

To all the many, many angels who are praying for me and traveling this journey with me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and want you to know that I feel all every single one of your prayers. You bless me beyond what you will ever know and I am so very grateful for you!

Well, we made it to Friday.  Needless to say, this was a life-changing week, full of news you never want to hear. But there’s more to the story.  Even though I did wallow for awhile in a place of fear and dread, I started to piece some pretty amazing things together which gave me great hope and faith that God is in this, He’s in control and I do not need to be afraid.

#1 Remember the way I found the cancer!  When I received a slightly irregular mammogram report back in February, I was unfazed.  Women my age often experience a change in breast tissue, so I chalked this up to my age.  Ok, I’ll do the follow-up ultrasound test, just to be sure, but I wasn’t one bit concerned.  There was no lump, no symptoms, and the radiologist who read my ultrasound advised me to come back in 6 months so we can keep an eye on it.  I was sure that this was just a brief chapter and everything would soon be normal as usual.

But when my Sarah caught wind of my journey, she was VERY pushy about me getting an MRI, which is a more targeted test.  I gave her no reason to be concerned, but even still, she was adamant that I get that MRI and the very MRI that did, in fact, show that I had more of a problem than I knew. The MRI lead to the biopsy, and the biopsy lead to the diagnosis.  In hind sight, Sarah says  that she had a “bad feeling.”  I believe that is was God who gave her that nagging inkling. Sarah may have saved my life.  The kind of cancer I have is very aggressive and if I had waited for a recheck, my story would have been very different. Thank you God for using Sarah! I am so grateful!

#2 About 3 months ago, I had this nagging feeling that I needed to do something drastic to get healthy.  Even though I felt fine, I felt like at my age, I needed to something to step up my health, or I could be at risk for serious illness.  Then one night, when I couldn’t sleep, I turned the TV one to try to fall back asleep and stumbled upon a PBS show featuring a book about an eating plan that focused on including bone broth combined with a paleo diet.  Well, I quietly ordered the book on Amazon that night, and quietly read the book, trying to discover if this way of eating made sense.  I had heard that bone broth is really great for minimizing inflammation, helping with arthritis and a lots of other benefits.  Quietly, without anyone knowing except my family, I embarked on this new way of healthy eating. It was super easy to make the change and in 2.5 months, I lost nearly 30 pounds, which is of course WONDERFUL.  but even more amazing, is that this kind of diet that I am well settled into, is the very kind of diet that is most effective in fighting cancer and would be the way I would be encouraged to eat while I’m in treatment.  Wow!! I was already well on my way to the kind of lifestyle that I would need to adapt.  Done! Thank you Lord that,in the midst of all the hard things ahead of me, I don’t have the burden of a radical diet change!

There are more stories like these, but suffice it say that I started to piece together things that some might consider lucky coincidences. But I know they are far more than that…I know that God has been paving the way for me to fight the good fight, with Him in the middle of it, comforting me, guiding my family and covering me with peace that passes all understanding.

Most of the time I feel strong and optimistic and sure that complete healing is mine in the future. But even when I have those rare moments of fear, all I need to do is to cry out to my Father in heaven and He brings me the comfort I need.

Today I saw the oncologist for the first time, and liked her. First thing, I said to her “Are you confident you can heal me,” and she emphatically said “YES!” That felt great to have her confidence.

Dr. E confirmed Dr. Curcio’s report that the tumor is Stage 1.   Also, it appears that the lymph nodes are NOT affected, but won’t know for sure until the biopsy during surgery in 5 months.

On the table, when Dr. C looked at my MRI, there was an area in question that was nearby the tumor, with a seeming line attaching the 2 masses. That second area was not biopsied. When their radiologist looked at the MRI for a second opinion, my team decided we want to biopsy that too   Of course I don’t want MORE cancer, but if its also positive on biopsy, this will allow me to add yet another drug into the cocktail, called Perjeta, which doubles the chance that the chemo will completely get rid of the cancer. So, it’s good news/bad news.

Let’s see, what else…She said that the chemo treatment has historically not been too painful for patients, but I absolutely will lose my hair…so there’s that Looking into wigs etc. Can I just pause for a second and acknowledge how strange it seems to lose my hair??

This cancer thing is a full time job!  Before I can start chemo, we have daily appointments to undergo tons of testing.  Blood test, CT Scan, bone scan, echocardiogram, MRI guided biopsy, port surgery and oh yeah, have an infected tooth extracted to stop an ongoing infection in its tracks.  Phew! It’s a lot!

Then the tumor board will meet in a week to discuss my case and I will see my doctors afterward. All this is to get me to the point that I can start Chemo. While time is of the essence, Dr. E said that a few weeks, the time we need to this all sorted out, won’t hurt anything.

Today is Wednesday. Yesterday is behind us, and tomorrow, the day we meet our Oncologist for the first time, is looming just around the corner.  Please Lord, I  begged, don’t let tomorrow bring more bad news.

Time stood still.

As I said before, to my great delight.  My Sarah extended her trip home and she was with us until she would return to SF tomorrow night. Have I told you lately how amazing my daughter is?  She sprung into action and planned a fun adventure for the two of us to give us a a much needed break!

Laying down taking a cat nap and in bursted Sarah.  “Mom, get up, take a shower and when I get back from the gym, be ready for a fun day.”  Of course, that’s exactly what I did! I know better than to be uncooperative.

Off we went!  We drove to Santa Monica with her plan to go on these amazing swings on the beach, then go shopping for comfy jammies I could wear to Chemo treatments and the icing on the cake, have dinner with my sister Joan and niece Elise.

Well the day was exactly what I needed. Time with my girls was precious…lots of laughter, lots of tears.  This is the way most days are for me these days. Every emotion is raw and runs the full gamut.

A highlight of my was a phone call from my friend Maudi.  She heard the news from her daughter and Sarah’s friend Chloe and she called to offer her support.  The amazing thing was that she had had the exact kind of breast cancer that I have, had the same treatment as I would soon receive, was in remission and wanted me to know that the treatment was/is survivable.  Thank you Maudi for your words of encouragement.  I cling to the hope that I too will soon be through this daunting chapter and be in the position to call others at the beginning of their journeys and offer them the same gift of encouragement.

Tuesday morning came quickly.   With Greg and my sister Marcia by my side, we went to meet my surgeon, Dr. Curcio and receive the detailed report about my breast cancer.   After saying our “hellos” and “nice to meet yous,” the first thing Dr. Curcio said was “You have an aggressive cancer.”  If she said anything after that, I sure didn’t hear it…I heard her voice but everything became muffled and indiscernible after that.  For a hundred reasons, I was so very glad that Greg and Marcia were there to listen specifically, since I couldn’t get past that first daunting reality.  Eventually I tuned back in and I heard more news that I needed to factor into the big picture.

The good news is that we caught it early, thanks to my Sarah who was persistent in getting me to speed up making my MRI appointment (she now confesses that she had a “bad” feeling…praise God for giving her the inkling)   I had no symptoms, no detectable lump.  I

It is currently Stage 1. However, the bad news is that it is a very aggressive form of cancer, her-2-neu positive, and in just a few short weeks it has doubled in size. So after the tumor board meets to discuss my case a week from Thursday, I will likely begin treatment right away. Treatment will likely be 6 rounds of chemotherapy, with 3 weeks between iv chemo treatments, then a 4-6 week rest, then surgery, then radiation. More good news is that the type of cancer I have is “very curable,” with nearly 90% success rate, and the fact that we are catching it early is very good.

Dr. Curcio did say, upon reviewing the MRI with us, that there was another area of question that was not biopsied. She would confer with her in-house radiologist and we would possibly need a second biopsy.

I tried hard to take in everything that was said…but this was A LOT!  Remember, I had pretty much settled in to the fact that this would probably mean surgery, but I naively thought that that would be the extent of it.  In other words, I didn’t factor in a long term treatment plan that would include chemo, surgery and radiation. Basing it all on my mom’s experience 40 years ago.

Wow.  Ok.

The rest of the day was a blur, as our family tried to digest what we had just heard.  Marcia, Sarah and I went to go paint at Color-Me-Mine, so we could have a little fun and escape the burden of the morning. Nothing there looked the least bit appealing to paint (besides, just to paint one piece would cost between $50-$100!!! No thank you!) So instead we just walked around the mall, completely numb.  Sometimes laughing, sometimes in silence, sometimes in tears.

We returned home and had a great family dinner, just wanting to be together. Greg and me, Marcia, Michael, Valerie, Sarah and my second daughter Jori.  Lots of laughs, lots of tears.

May I just say how very blessed I am to have the family that I do?  They are my biggest source of strength and encouragement.

With the delightful weekend behind us, the weightiness of Monday morning was palpable.  Today was a day of waiting and wondering what tomorrow would hold: what would we learn at our appointment with our surgeon?  My thoughts ran the gamut.  Truthfully, I thought they would find that there had been a mistake.

Since I had no choice but to wait, I decided to make the most of my day.  I went walking with my friends Jody and Margo on the beach, and visited our friend Shawna and play with her new puppy. Then I went to the grocery to get all the fixings to make Greg a wonderful Father’s Day dinner.  Since we were away at Becca’s wedding on the official Father’s Day, we still owed Greg a celebratory dinner, and the best part was that our family would be all together. Sarah opted to stay an extra few days so she could be close by for the upcoming doctor appointments. So, the great icing on the cake was that we could all have a family dinner, which is a rarity these days.

We had a great, intimate dinner and we all had the chance to tell Greg why we love and appreciate him. We went around the table and expressed to Greg all the many ways he is so very special to us.  For me, I focused on how very faithful he is.  Not only is Greg a man of great, God-honoring faith, but he always has and will continue to be faithfully by my side in good times and bad.  I am blessed.  Truly blessed.

The night was really special and our deepest hope was that my husband and father of our children felt affirmed and loved. He is an amazing man.  I am so grateful for him.  Off to bed early, tomorrow would be a very important day in our new journey.

I acknowledge that the following post may seem scattered and “all over the board.”  In fact, these days, that’s exactly the way I feel 

Needless to say, the events of the last few days were heavy.  Even though I had made up my mind that the news wasn’t as terrible as I originally thought, the power of positive thinking could only take me so far.  I yearned for an enduring sense of peace and well-being.

There is only one place where lasting peace can be found, and that is at the throne of God. After all, it was a miracle that we found the cancer, so surely God will carry us through to complete healing. At Val’s invitation, Greg and I met up with her and Michael at their  worship and healing evening church service. I was so grateful to be prayed over by their Pastor Roger. The healing power of Jesus was and is a huge comfort and allowed me to put my battle aside so I could enjoy the incredible blessings of the upcoming weekend!

My Sarah was coming home to be the maid-of-honor in her best friend’s wedding, our whole family would be together to celebrate the nuptials of our dear Becca and her husband-to-be Taylor and I have a new dress!!  There would be plenty of time for coping with cancer AFTER the weekend!

The weekend did not disappoint.  Nothing makes me happier than being with my family and to have this blessed wedding distraction was truly a God-send. Sarah got home late Friday night, and we had a quick, big bear hug before she headed for bed. Then the next morning, as quickly as she arrived, she had to leave again.  I chuckle when I think of her running around trying to get her things together for the wedding and me scurrying around behind her, helping her pull everything together so she could get on the road and drive to Temecula to arrive in time for the pre-wedding festivities. (Sarah’s says she going to look into how to hire me as her personal assistant, to free her up at her job to focus on the big issues and have confidence that the small things are being handled correctly by me, hahaha! It’s taken me years and years of on-the-job training to become the top-notch assistant that I am!)

Once Sarah was on the road for the pre-events leading up to the Sunday wedding, the rest of our Saturday was wonderfully low key.  Of course, my thoughts continually wandered back to the cancer, but somehow I was able to put it on the shelf for now.  Besides, I had contained the scary thoughts with the assumption that this would be a blip on the screen and then, back to normal. After all, my mom had surgery, no chemo and no radiation, so I wouldn’t either!

We had dinner at True Foods with Michael and Val, then went to see Finding Dory in 3D.  (Let’s be honest…under other circumstances, I’m not sure our men would be too excited about seeing this Pixar movie, but everyone is so eager to make me happy, they’ll do just about anything! I’m a lucky girl!)

Sunday rolled around and our first stop was church!  After a really powerful service, Greg and I went into the Elder Prayer Room to again receive anointing and healing prayers. We were completely overwhelmed by the divine power of the prayers said on our behalf and strongly felt the Holy Spirit there with us, offering His peace, strength and healing. We are committed to praying this cancer away!

Finally, it was time to get “gussied up”and head to Temecula for the wedding of the year!  Never mind the 110° heat, the evening ahead was nothing short of spectacular.  Congratulations Becca and Taylor!  Your wedding day is a memory we cherish always!

Even in the midst of trials and tribulations, God simultaneously gives us great joy! Life is full of both.

I woke up this morning, still reeling.  There is no way really to explain, except to say I felt like I’d been kicked repeatedly in the stomach.  Wait. Was that just a terrible dream?  Am I still dreaming?  NO 😦 the enormity of the news was real.  This cancer is now PART of my life. I got on the phone.  There were people who had to know.  First on my list, was my mom.  But for some reason, my fingers couldn’t dial her number.  This is NO comment about my mom, because if you have the pleasure of knowing her, you will agree that she is one VERY strong lady, one TOUGH cookie. She’s the kind of woman that all of us aspire to be.  Graceful in the face of disaster, faithful in every circumstance, a fearless Christ follower, a cancer survivor..and she’s MY mom.  So my hesitance wasn’t just about her per se.  It was about knowing her tender mother’s heart and how terrible it will feel to her that her little girl is in crisis. As a mother myself, this I can emphatically tell you.  I can personally take just about any hard knock, but nothing is more painful than watching my children hurt.  So knowing the depth of how that feels to me, I couldn’t bring myself to inflict pain in her life.

I summoned up my courage and dialed her number…BUSY!  Phew.  I’ll try her back later. Then I called my big sisters, my angels and you can imagine the wave of emotions this triggered for all of us.  Of course, they both knew this was a possibility.  Marcia was with me at the biopsy and I casually told Joan a few weeks ago.  But truthfully, since I thought it was nothing, I’m sure they did too. I can’t actually recall how I told them the devastating update. I can’t remember what was said, I was in such a cloud. I can only recall that there were many, many tears.  Then, thankfully, we were quickly able to make a plan to meet up.  Joan was due to be in OC that day for work, Marcia and I already had plans and miraculously we were able to pull together a spontaneous get together.  I really needed my sisters.  The only detail left was to reach my mom, so we could all meet up at her house.

Next, I contacted my friend Holly, who is like a sister to me.  She’s away visiting her daughter in Austin.  I had texted her the night before, but the time difference meant she didn’t receive word until early the next morning.   Thank God for FaceTime.  Seeing each other face to face was almost as good as her being here.  Few words were spoken…we just cried in disbelief.

Next,   I sprung into action! I got on the phone to call the doctors recommended by my general practitioner.  When you have cancer, you see both a surgeon and an oncologist. (Who knew? Certainly not me!) My GP Brandi gave me her recommendations for an oncologist, but hmmm, how do I find a surgeon.  Then it came to me…two of my prayer partners, Kim and Janet both rave about their breast specialist.  Maybe she’s an option!  Emboldened, I placed a call to Dr. Curcio, and to my great relief, I was able to get an appointment with her Tuesday of the next week.  Ok, surgeon, √.  Now for the oncologist.  I ended up making an appointment with Dr. Ein-Gal who, thankfully is in the same group, Breastlink, as my surgeon Dr. Curcio.  Later, I would learn that working within one practice is a life-saver.  More on that later!

Like the wind, I was out the door, picking up my records, dropping them off at my Breastlink, filling out the paperwork, wham bam, gettin’ this ball rollin.  Then on to meet  my sisters and my mom (who I finally did reach and took the news like the compassionate, strong, amazing champ that she is).  Let’s go, let’s run, let’s jam, and then we’ll go sit on the beach and digest all of this. Plan for the day, √ .

Meanwhile, my sweet husband was, of course, amazing: strong, unwavering, faithful, and loving.  I’m sad to say that that morning, my independent spirit was on overdrive and  I took off like a tornado to seize my day.  Greg’s response to me?  He sweetly gave me complete latitude to handle things in my own way. A big hug and a kiss and off I went!

Later that day when my sisters and Mom and I settled in together to sort things out under the sunshine and cool breezes of Salt Creek Beach, I was able to arrive at a place of peace…my cancer would undoubtedly be like my moms.  It was going to be hard, but I would have the surgery, get rid of the cancer and move on.

Then my mom offered a piece of advice that I will forever thank her for.  She gently reminded me that I am not the only one who is going through this crisis.

“Sandy, don’t forget. Greg is going through this pain as much as you are, maybe more so.  You’re the one who has the disease.  He’s the one who’s standing by watching his wife in crisis.”

Mom, you’ve given me some great pearls of wisdom throughout my life…this one was probably the greatest piece of advice ever.

At that moment, I realized how right you were and immediately recalibrated.  Unwavering, we will fight this battle together as one; the way it should be.  As always, thank you Mom.