Here we go again, tomorrow is my Chemo #3 and I now see a behavioral pattern that has developed. The day or two before I go in, I become very quiet and introverted. Greg has noticed it too. I think what happens is that I become introspective about what is ahead and I spend a good deal of mental time preparing myself for whatever news I might receive, for the long day of receiving the IV treatment, for checking out and staying in bed, and holding on to the real hope that after I am “down” for a few days, my body has, in fact, and will bounce back again in about a week.
This time, I am struggling a bit because I SHOULD be happy that very soon I can proclaim that I am HALF-WAY through! Truthfully, this does give me a great sense of joy. I just hope tomorrow morning when I wake up, that that is what I focus on, rather than wallowing in the negatives. I also have every reason to be optimistic! One of my tumors, that is closest to the surface has definitely shrunk, so we are moving in the right direction. My realistic hope is that when I have my follow-up tests in about 2 weeks, we will receive very positive news that the treatments are WORKING! When we get that great update, I imagine that we will begin discussing my surgery options, which means that we will be one step closer to being cancer-free!!
In so many ways, I have enjoyed talking/hearing from others who traveled this journey ahead of me and are cancer free. I also value talking to others who are in the trenches with me. The caution I must have in both of these scenarios is that others’ journeys are their journeys and mine is mine…meaning we are all uniquely designed and our cancers treatments are uniquely ours. I need to be mindful of not owning their road as mine, as much as I may want to, or be scared to. Comparing ourselves in this scenario, and generally in life, is risky business.
What do I do when I need an attitude adjustment? I turn to God’s word, which helps me so much! This verse is especially helpful to me tonight: Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”
That is my desire…to run this race with perseverance and remember that this is the race that God has uniquely placed before me.
Having trained and run several 26.2-mile marathon races in my life, I know what it is to endure. I know what it is to look to God when I don’t have even one more step left in my being. I know what it is to “hit the wall” and want to quit (ie. find a cab at mile 20 to take me home) and I know what it feels like to look to God to push me past my perceived limitations.
Ok, I’m fired up! I can do this…thanks for listening!
Sleep well! xoxox